-----------------------

“I love you.”

“Saranghae.”

“That’s right.” He grinned, his dimples wide and deep, his eyes lighting up like fireflies. “Your pronunciation is perfect.”

She laughed and smacked his shoulder gently. “Siwon-sshi, stop flattering me.”

“I’m serious!” His eyes widened and he lifted his hands in a defensive position. The way his eyebrows disappeared into his hairline made her laugh again, louder, and in a moment he had joined her.

After a few minutes passed, she righted herself, wiping her eyes. Her face hurt from smiling so widely. “We should be practicing, silly, not laughing our lips off…”

Siwon’s eyebrows did that thing again. “Ariel-sshi, you were the one who started it!”

Ariel shook her head, pouting playfully. “It doesn’t matter who started it,” she began, and was about to say more when the sound of a bell ringing echoed into the shop. Quickly, she brushed her hair back and turned to face the approaching customer, giving a light, friendly greeting in Chinese. Siwon leaned back against the wall and pretended to inspect some pink flip-flops.

When she was finished attending to the customer, Ariel checked her watch and began to pack up for the night. Siwon noticed this and grinned, eager to have her back to himself.

“Wanna go out to eat?” he asked, his Chinese short and thick with an accent that had been entirely unfamiliar to Ariel just a couple of months ago.

“Okay,” she nodded, grinning up at him and easily slipping her hand into his. They headed out across the beach, bickering about where to go. Siwon let her win, though, like always. She pretended not to realize.

“Go to Korea,” her parents had told her. “There’s opportunity for you there. There’s more to life than owning a surf shack.”

“Surf shop,” she’d replied, but still, the words got to her. She was never one to want much, but the very least she could do was learn Korean, if only to make them happy. She knew she could never leave this place. The ocean, the beach, the shop was as much her home as her parents’ house was.

So she’d hired a tutor, using some of her own money and some that her parents had given to her for her “new start”. He was going to teach her Korean and the basic components of Korean culture and the ins and outs of Seoul, the capital city, where she would live if she ever decided to go.

“Annyeonghaseyo,” he’d said, in smooth, flowing Korean. Then, in stuttering, choppy Chinese, “Nihao. Wo shi Shiyuan.”

The first thing she did was laugh at him.

“Good night,” he said to her, under the porch light of her home next to the shop. Then again, “Jaljayo.”*

She smiled, but hesitated, knowing she needed to do something but not knowing - or not wanting to admit - what it was. Thankfully, Siwon was a smart man, in any language. He leant down, rested a hand on the gentle curve of her neck, and she had barely closed her eyes before their lips met, soft and light and fluttering like firefly wings.

They parted after a moment and didn’t say anything; they just smiled, filled with thoughts and thoughts and more thoughts, and slowly slipped away from each other, her into her home and him back across the beach to his hotel.

She touched her fingers to her lips, closed her eyes, and smiled so wide that her own dimples appeared.

-----------------------

“Let’s go surfing today!”

She laughs and shakes her head, even though every part of her wants to go. “I have work today, silly. Just because you’re a fish doesn’t make me one, too.”

He laughs and does that thing with his lips, making her feel part of herself melt away even further. His puppy-dog eyes deal the final blow.

“Fine!” She says, her voice exasperated but lighthearted. “I’ll close up early today. But you owe me!”

His eyes light up, bright bright bright, and the crushing hug he gives her makes up for everything.

“You’re the best, Arielyah~!”

“Yeah yeah, whatever you say, Donghai.” She uses his Chinese name because she knows how much it bothers him. “You owe me, though!”

He bounces away and throws a grin back over his shoulder, his voice light as he calls back, “It’s Dong-hae, silly! And you said you knew Korean!”

Ariel smiles wryly at him, one hand on her hip. “Get out of here before I decide to fry you up, fish boy!”

Donghae’s laughter trails after him, even when he’s long gone. Ariel smiles and starts to clean up, rearranging the displays and picking up a fallen pair of flip-flops. They’re pink.

“Saranghae,” comes a voice, and she can swear he’s right there again beside her. Without realizing it, she begins to tremble, images flashing across her mind like a film reel. They’re clearer than she ever thought memories could be.

-----------------------

“I have to go back to Korea.”

She stared at him, too shocked to realize that he said it in fluid Chinese, without even a hint of a stutter. “You - what?”

He looked at his feet, at the walls, at anything except her. He had a hand on the back of his neck, and his eyebrows were furrowed so deep that lines appeared on his forehead.

“My parents called me yesterday, they… They told me I have to go.”

“Why?” Her tone of voice was defiant, desperate. She gripped her umbrella tighter, all thoughts of going for a walk along the rainy beach stricken from her mind.

“It’s complicated.” He looked up at her at last, the guilt written plain and clear across his handsome features. He tried to gesture some sort of explanation out, but even his hands failed him now.

“It can’t be that complicated,” she replied, less angry and more scared now. Something felt as though it had clawed its way into her stomach and taken up a home there, something heavy and unpleasant but impossible to remove.

“Ariel, please, I don’t want to make things worse.”

It was her turn to look away now. Her eyes floated around the room, over the walls, past everything she’d built up for herself; the surfboards, the flip-flops, the funky hats that only tourists and teenagers would buy. The counter, made of a light brown wood that had faded over years of exchanging goods for money. The familiar scent of board polish and salt water. Then her eyes went back to Siwon, looking him up and down as though she was searching for something.

In a small voice, she said, “Can I go with you?”

If he smiled, it was all right. If he smiled, there would be relief, the monster in her stomach would leave and pick a different person to inhabit. If he smiled, things would be okay once and for all.

He didn’t smile. He looked down at the floor and slowly, slowly, shook his head. It was almost as though his body was resisting what his mind was telling him to do.

“I’m getting married,” he whispered, his voice even softer than hers had been.

Her umbrella barely made a sound as it hit the floor. She was sure the sound of her heart breaking was a million times louder.

-----------------------

“Arranged marriage?” She could hardly bring herself to utter the words. The concept just seemed so… foreign. Not the comfortable foreign, like silly Korean words slipping from her tongue. This was a foreboding kind of foreign, something strict and completely against everything she knew, believed, lived.

He nodded, curled his fingers hesitantly against her palm, as though he was afraid to let himself touch her any more. “My family is very old-fashioned.” He laughed weakly, added, “Gushik, in Korean.”

She looked down at their fingers. The world seemed very real suddenly. She was almost hyperaware of the feeling of sand between her toes, of the roughness of the deck beneath her legs, of the sound of waves and rain mixing and rolling in closer and closer, further and further. At the same time, though, it was as though she couldn’t remember anything; the moment she felt something it was gone, replaced by something else, something new.

“I’m leaving in a couple of days. They want me to meet her parents and get everything arranged.”

She didn’t hear him; rather, she didn’t process his words. They floated through her like music.

He looked at her, his eyes dark and full of sadness, of regret. “I didn’t ask for this,” he said, brushing a thumb across her cheek. “I didn’t… If I had a choice, I would stay.”

She closed her eyes, not wanting to experience this any longer. She wanted to just go back to that day on the beach, when he kissed her under the light of the fireflies. “Stay.”

“I can’t. My parents are everything. If I lose them, I…” He looked away again, out to the ocean, and covered his mouth with a broad palm.

She studied his profile for a moment, feeling guilt overcome her. Of course he would go. Parents are more important than lovers, more important than friendships. Without parents, there’s nothing. She knew exactly how he felt. She would do it too, even though she didn’t want to admit it; if her parents told her to marry someone, she would. It was something inherent, something that couldn’t be explained.

“Will you be alright?” He looked back at her, obviously anxious.

She smiled weakly, trying to reassure him. There wasn’t much else she could do. “I’ll manage,” she replied, nodding a bit.

He leaned in, but didn’t kiss her. She knew him. He was always faithful, even to someone he’d never met. He didn’t break promises.

That was why he was so hesitant about making them.

-----------------------

The faint sound of a plane flying overhead is drowned out by the music and voice of a very excited Donghae, his fingers drumming on the wheel as his head bobs to and fro with the beat. Ariel laughs and gives him a funny look.

“Yah, if you knew what the song was about you’d want to dance too!” He defends himself, grinning unabashedly.

“It’s nice to see you in such a good mood,” she comments randomly, reaching out to poke his nose. He flails and swerves slightly, letting out a high-pitched squeak.

“I’m trying to drive!!” He sticks out his tongue cutely, keeping his eyes on the road. “You should be more careful, noona, geez.”

“I do understand Korean, just so you know,” she says, giggling slightly as she turns to look back out the window. The ocean passes quickly, but it goes on forever. “Tell me about your friend!”

Donghae brightens again, obviously pleased at the prospect. “He’s really handsome and tall and a big softie. Oh, he knows some Chinese, because he lived in Taipei and China for a while.”

“You told me,” she murmurs, enjoying being able to watch Donghae speak so animatedly. He rattles on, seeming as though he doesn’t hear her.

“He teaches Korean to foreigners all over the world. He’s even been to America before. His family is really well-known in Korea, I think they have government officials somewhere down the line - oh, we’re here!”

Ariel blinks a little, looking around. She’d been too distracted by Donghae to realize that they had, indeed, arrived at the train station.

“You wait here,” he says, turning off the engine and unbuckling his seatbelt. “I’ll go get him.”

“Okay,” she replies, but he’s already gone, dashing off to greet this friend of his. Ariel sits back, brushes her hair behind her ears. The crashing of waves is faint and distant, but her ears cling to the sound the way they always have. It calms her, reassures her, even when she’s not worried or anxious.

Before long, she hears Donghae’s voice approaching once again, accompanied by another, deeper one. It’s hard to make out what they’re saying; they speak too quickly, their words a jumbled mess of Korean, for her to pick things out properly. But then the door opens, and a grinning Donghae says,

“Arielyah, meet my buddy, Siwonnie!”

They’re face to face, and all of her thoughts desert her. She never thought she would meet him again. She never expected to see him. She’d stored all of her love away in a small bottle, along with the fireflies from that time when he’d kissed her, hoping that it would become a small, fond memory. But this…

“Ariel,” he says, and his voice is the same as it was then: full of tenderness. Full of love.

She still loves him.

-----------------------

The drive back is far more awkward than she was hoping for. At least she was in the back and he was in the front. Donghae, oblivious to the tension between the two of them, kept rattling on about things they could do now that Siwon was here.

“Let’s go surfing!! The waves here are great!”

“I haven’t surfed in months, Donghae,” Siwon replies, but the chuckle in his voice isn’t the same as it usually is, bright and quick. It’s dull, forced. It makes Ariel wince.

“Yah, you can always get back into it! Ariel is a great teacher.” Donghae looks back at her, his grin a mile wide, and the pang of guilt in her heart just gets worse. She smiles back weakly, then looks out the window, needing a distraction.

“So tonight we can just rest at Ariel’s place, then tomorrow we can surf and stuff and then go out for dinner with everyone! I want you to meet my classmates!”

Ariel gives up staring at the ocean and turns to look at the back of Siwon’s head, studying him. He looks the same, she thought, the same as he did back then. She supposes that it hasn’t really been that long; less than a year, maybe less than eight months, since he’d left. Her gaze drifts to Donghae, and she remembers meeting him on the beach, where he’d been staring at the waves, completely zoned out. When it had started to rain, she’d brought him an umbrella, and he thanked her; somehow they ended up having tea at her house and talking about the ocean, fishing, surfing, everything.

He was Korean, he’d said. Born and raised in Mokpo, moved to Seoul for school, came to Taipei on exchange and decided not to go back.

“It’s like Mokpo here,” he’d said then, “just… lighter.”

After a few weeks, he’d told her how his father had died and how he needed to get away from everything for a while.

“I don’t have any plans, just… I just want to stay near the ocean.”

He said his nickname was Fishy. She laughed and started using it herself.

The first time they kissed, they were on the beach, watching the tide roll out. It felt like it had felt then, different but the same, with fireflies approaching on all sides. That was when she’d decided to put her old feelings away for good, to let love in again. It was no use pining for someone she hadn’t spoken to in months. But, whenever Donghae would compliment her Korean, she would be reminded of the long hours spent learning it with Siwon close by her side, guiding her.

No matter how much she wanted to escape the guilt, it was always present inside of her.

-----------------------

After arriving at her house, they carry Siwon’s things inside and get him settled in the guest room. Neither he nor Ariel say anything; it’s all Donghae talking, chattering glibly about how much fun they’ll have, how nice Ariel’s house is. At one point, they catch each others’ gazes, but they look away again just as quickly.

The eat dinner in the same manner, with Donghae going on and on about everything, Siwon replying quietly now and then, and Ariel focusing on her food. Donghae seems too excited to notice if anything’s wrong.

When they go to bed, Siwon disappearing into his room and Donghae cuddling up to Ariel in her own, she feels dirty and unfaithful. That night, she tosses and turns, unable to sleep; next to her, a certain fishy is snoring softly, peaceful as ever. She envies him.

“You’re my first girlfriend,” he’d told her, and the light in his eyes made her believe him.

-----------------------

The next day goes by just as awkwardly as last night did. Siwon and Donghae are close, close friends, so thankfully they’re preoccupied with each other for most of the day, getting caught up about everything that had happened while they were apart. Ariel watches from the sidelines, smiling softly; now and again she lets out a small laugh, amused by the boys’ antics. For a little while, things seem normal.

Then they go out to dinner, and things fall apart.

Donghae had wanted Siwon to meet his classmates; he’d gone on and on about it for weeks before the taller man actually arrived. Ariel had seen them a few times, so she knew most of them. She was thankful for this; Donghae would be so preoccupied with introducing Siwon that neither of them would be talking to her all that much, but she’d still have company.

The restaurant they eat at is crowded, and their group is pretty large - eight or nine people, all gathered around a table and sharing hotpot, side dishes, dumplings, and the usual array of food. There’s even some kimbap (the owners are an old couple, and they like Donghae a lot; their son lives in Korea, they say, and whip up the occasional Korean dish).

“Pass the shrimp!”

“Gimme more crab!”

“Yah, stop hogging the soy sauce!”

Ariel can’t help laugh and relax. Donghae’s friends are like children, all scrambling for the tastiest parts of everything. She’s digging into her fried rice when, suddenly, a soft voice is whispering to her,

“Can we go outside and talk?”

Her eyes go wide, but she can’t say no, could never say no, not to him. So she nods, swallows, and follows him outside - a glance behind her shows that Donghae is busy making faces in his food, anyway. He won’t notice if they’re gone for a bit.

The night air is refreshing against her overheated skin, and the small glow of fireflies over the ocean calms her nerves. She looks up at him, unable to not notice how upset he seems.

“Siwon,” she starts, but he cuts her off.

“You’re with Donghae now, right?”

The question takes her by surprise. “Y-yeah. I am.”

“Good,” he replies vaguely, looking out into the distance and kicking at the sand halfheartedly.

Something rises within her, something she hasn’t felt in a long, long time. “Why - why are you here?”

“I came to see Donghae,” he says, and it’s his turn to be surprised now. His eyebrows still do that exaggerated thing that makes him look silly instead of serious, she notices.

“What about your wife? What does she think?” Ariel can’t keep the bitterness out of her voice.

He goes quiet, looks at the sand. After a moment, he shrugs a little, before murmuring, “I never got married.”

Everything flips upside down - her head, her stomach, her heart. “What?”

“It got called off.” The indifference in his voice just makes her angrier.

“When?! How long did you know?”

“About a month after I got back to Korea.”

“And you never told me?!”

He seems taken aback by her sudden hostility. “I thought - You wouldn’t… want to keep what we had, after that.”

“Are you crazy?” She feels something prickling at her eyes, but ignores it as best she can. “Why would I think that?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted quietly. “I guess I thought that it was impossible, after that. I didn’t want to come back and… see you with another guy.”

That pang of guilt throbs inside of her once more. “You could’ve come back before I met someone,” she whispered, mostly to herself. “You could’ve… topped anything from happening. It could’ve been us again.”

He’s quiet for a long moment, the fireflies and the distant sound of waves filling up the silence between them. Then, suddenly, he takes two long strides over to her and pulls her into an embrace, one hand in her hair, the other around her waist, his face pressed into the crook of her neck.

She stiffens, not expecting it, not knowing what to do; then, very softly, she hears him mumble,

“I’m sorry, Ariel.”

-----------------------

Meanwhile, inside the restaurant, things are quieting down somewhat. Almost everyone is full, sitting back and sipping at their drinks, immersed in their own conversations. Donghae is listening to his buddy Zhou Mi speak to another Korean student, Kyuhyun, the words slipping in and out of his head.

“Ariel seemed really shaken up,” he was saying, his voice soft from the alcohol. “I mean, seeing a past love after all that time… and now she’s with Donghae…”

Kyuhyun shushes him, pointing surreptitiously at Donghae, but the damage has been done.

“What’re you guys talking about?” he says, his voice just a little slurred.

Zhou Mi looks at Kyuhyun for guidance, but the other man just shrugs. So, weakly, Zhou Mi says, “Ariel was with Siwon for a little while last year. He was her Korean instructor.”

Donghae frowns, trying to process this information. “Wait, so Siwonnie knew Arielyah even before I did? But he never-”

A lightbulb comes on inside of his head, and with it follows a feeling of betrayal that he’s never experienced before. Without another word, he gets up and rushes outside. The cries of his friends fade behind him, replaced by the soft sounds of the ocean and the fireflies. He runs faster than he thought he was able to, kicking up sand behind him, and then -

They’re there. They’re hugging. Ariel’s small frame is all-encompassed by Siwon’s larger body, his hands on her back, his face against her shoulder, and all Donghae can think is they’re loving each other behind my back.

“Yah!!” He grabs the first thing he can get his hands on (a seashell) and flings it at them. He has terrible aim, so it lands two feet to the left, but it still startles them out of their embrace.

“Donghae-!” Ariel gapes at him, her eyes wide. Siwon stares, but doesn’t say anything.

“What the heck are you doing?! Get away from her!” Donghae advances on them, his expression twisted into one of pure anger, without reason or logic.

Siwon raises his hands in self-defense. “Donghaeyah, I was just - ”

“You were kissing her, I saw it!” Donghae snarls. “How long were you two out here?! Were you doing this before, too? Last night?!”

Ariel stares, appalled, and yells right back. “What are you talking about? We weren’t doing anything! We were just talking!”

“Donghae, calm down.” Siwon steps towards him, but the fish won’t have any of it.

“Shut up! I know about you two! I know how you were in love before!” He glares at Siwon, his unshed tears barely being held back. “Why didn’t you tell me it was her?!”

“I didn’t know, Donghae, I - ”

“Of course you knew!” The tears start falling now, Donghae’s voice cracking slightly as this feeling of betrayal and hurt overcomes him. “I told you everything about her, her name, everything!”

“It’s possible for people to have the same name, Hae, so calm down!” Ariel steps closer, feeling herself trembling. “What’s wrong with you?!”

“What’s wrong with me?” Donghae repeats, his voice almost mocking now. “What’s wrong with me? Oh, I don’t know, my girlfriend is in love with my best friend and they never told me!”

“Donghae, you need to calm down, okay?!” Ariel is trying so hard to follow her own advice but she’s so close to losing it, to losing him, losing them. Losing everything. “I wasn’t doing anything, I wasn’t cheating on you, I wasn’t!”

Siwon walks forward and Donghae walks forward and oh god, they’re going to fight, and Ariel can’t stand even thinking of that so she steps between them and -

A smack rings out, the sound of skin on skin clear amidst the waves on the hum of fireflies.

Donghae stumbles, sand flies up, and he runs away - but not before Ariel sees the tears, the shame, in his eyes. She look at Siwon, who shrugs helplessly.

She lost everything after all.

--------------------

It’s midafternoon the next day before Donghae comes to pick up his things. They’re quiet, not exchanging a word when he shows up and she lets him in. Siwon hesitates in the doorway to the kitchen, then ducks back inside. He doesn’t want things to get worse.

Ariel leans against the wall, watches as Donghae goes about gathering his clothes off of the floor, his books from the dresser. She wants to say something but all of her words turn to dust in her throat, choking her.

He’s about to leave when he turns to her, looks at her, and that shame is still in his eyes.

“I was wrong, right? Tell me I was wrong.”

Ariel sighs and moves to him, cups his cheeks, kisses his chin. “Donghai,” she murmurs, and he laughs weakly, his eyes shining more than a little.

“You l-loved him…?”

“A long time ago,” she murmured, making sure to keep their eyes locked. “Before I knew you. But I never wanted you to be him. I always loved you for you.”

He smiles for a moment, and she thinks it’s okay again; and then he throws his arms around her, kisses her deep and meaningful, and she can taste the tears that run from his eyes over the hills of his cheeks and into their mouths.

When they part, a form makes itself known in the corner of their eyes; it’s Siwon, stepping in through the doorway, a small smile on his face.

“Is it okay now?” he asks, his voice measured, deep, but not without a hint of bitterness.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Donghae isn’t looking at her or Siwon; he’s looking at the floor, at his flip-flops. They’re pink.

Ariel looks at Siwon, hesitates. Then, quietly, she murmurs, “I didn’t want to hope for things that would never return.”

Donghae looks up, his eyes a bit red, a small, wistful smile on his face, and he says, “I’m sorry.”

-----------------------
 

When they see Siwon off at the train station, they hold hands. The only thing she says before he leaves isn’t goodbye; it’s something from a long time ago, something that he taught her when he first arrived, and his Chinese was choppy and stuttering.

“Every meeting, it’s a type of happiness. No matter when or where, whoever you meet, how the ending goes… It’s all nothing but happiness.”